I'll Never Know; The Flaws of Karma

20 July, 2020. Not a good day; dark, cloudy, gloomy skies, and dad's hoarse voice all day long. Most of all, I feel sad for one other reason.

It is 9:20 pm now, and I didn't plan to write this, but certain thoughts were creeping up on me while I was struggling to gather my focus to study. I thought that since I have nobody to tell it to, I might as well write it here.

What I was trying to do minutes ago, was unfollow Redacted-1 on Instagram, because I did not want her name and post to flash up on my screen when she posts anything. Truth is, I am trying to forget all remains of her inside my memory. While I agree that most of them are out, the little pieces that remain often ambush me in my worse days, and I wanted to remove as many physical things as possible that those pieces may wield to attack me. Before unfollowing her, however, I decided to open her profile. She has followed her former best friend, and she has followed back, so I guess they're best friends again. I precisely remember that a year back, she ranted to me how she used to just talk to her (Redacted-1) when she needed somebody's presence. I sincerely hope both of them are in a healthy friendship now, although, simply hoping doesn't change nature.

After unfollowing her, I began contemplating on some stuff. One little piece of my mind was showing me all those moments where she had did something kind for me. Such instances were low in number. I began wondering whether I miss her or miss the ambience of being in a relationship. To solve this, I thought I should match the thoughts I have about her with previous thoughts I had on any person, to see if they match, which would then tell me if I was missing her. It was at that moment that I realized, that I have no such previous memory which I can use as a reference! Throughout 20+ years of my life, there had been nobody with whom I had felt close to, nobody who thought of me as close. So now, I do not know how to know if I was missing a person and not missing the time. I have no reference.

Since my birth, everyone in my life had turned out to be so selfish, keeping so many ill-thoughts, that to think, I really had nobody ever. The loneliness had turned me into a toxic, attention craving individual, and that brought me to people who turned out to be NOT good for me, further adding to my distress. It is a cycle, and endless one, and no matter whatever I do, I always end up falling into it.

The analytical portion of my mind gathers proofs, true proofs, that she was just a toxic influence in my life, and that beyond what fate had orchestrated for me to learn from having to being with her, there is actually nothing that I gained from our relationship; I did not even feel the love, nor did I feel friendship; mostly what I felt was responsibility, which I brought out with my 'nice' nature. And here is my dilemma. How am I supposed to know I did not feel love or friendship if I had not felt anything like that in the past? In other words, since I had no memory to use as a reference, how do I find out if indeed I felt no friendship and love? Neither can I fully agree with, nor fully disagree with my own self, and that's what bothers me. Worse, what troubles me further is that I can never know, because just like a child's time-period of being the most susceptible to a new language, every person has a time-period of making sense of the basics of the most primitive emotions and their manifestations and causing agents - love, hate, anxiety, anger, safety, danger, etc. And that time, for me, just passed without me actually getting exposed to any of the good ones. So, neither is that time coming back, nor am I ever getting to know some of the best known feelings.

I would never know the love of a parent.

I will never know the joy of friendship.

I will never know the love of a girl.

No matter how much I try, the Universe has simply restricted my access to this field. And my craving to know them makes me desperate enough to forge new friendships, which in turn makes me toxic, which I must prevent.

At this point, if you feel like I am describing the most basic and little things with complicated terminologies and words, you are simply demonstrating my point - you got to understand what these things were in your time, so they are 'easy and basic and understandable' to you. To me, they are not.

In the afternoon, I was thinking about why it is, that no matter whatever happens, why is it that it is always me who pays for it at the end? Every single person comes, stays with me while fate does them something, then they leave. They either go on to learn something new, or be somewhere new, and such. I have one single question: WHAT THE HELL AM I THEN? The Universe's by-product, that is too useful to recycle as trash but not that useful to have it placed on a shelf? I already know that mom has been placing curses of hatred on me since I was little. My question is, even though I am the one being wronged, why is it that people like hers are the ones who always live good life? Sure, they have their own problems, but in the end, things always end good for them, AND bad for me! Why is that?

Hinduism says that laws of Karma gives justice, but I seriously want to debate it. Either the law is a hoax (placing myself as the evidence), or that the law is flawed; whoever wrote it did a bang-up job. Hinduism says that karma crosses the boundary of individual lives, and if a person remains unpunished/unrewarded by karma, he/she will get it in the next lifetime. Also, if he/she gets it in this lifetime without having done anything to deserve it, then he/she definitely is experiencing the karma from the previous lifetime. BUT THIS IS FLAWED! Why the fuck can karma travel between lifetimes, but our memories cannot? If a person does not even remember how he was in his previous lifetime, he definitely is not the same person. Why does karma target him then? If memories cannot persist over death, neither should karma; everything should be paid within one lifetime, and then it should a whole new cycle. Whoever wrote this universal law probably wrote the shittiest law ever, and I am not going to take my words back.

I have found a different meaning of the law. What happens is that, the Universe does not give a rat's ass about a single being. What it does, is think about the collective whole. The universe requires the Good and the Bad in a perfect half-half ratio, else they forget each other's importance. If Bad overwhelmingly triumphs, the agents of Good wage battles against the Bad, and wins. If Good triumphs, the Bad wages battles, and wins. It's an oscillating cycle. It is within this cycle that people are rewarded or punished, and this gave people the wrong idea that Karma is working for them! Fools! The reason that the agents of Good are not rooting for me is because I am exactly at the middle of the spectrum somehow. And the reason that the agents of Bad find me always is because Mom is instigating them.

I have trouble sleeping peacefully, of ending my day, because I feel that I didn't use the day well enough; I feel a void that never gets filled.

I have trouble studying, because my mind drifts apart. I cannot hold it.

To become better, it is advised that one should not stay in the same environment that he had his difficulties. The Universe took that away too by bringing my parents here. If it hadn't, I would have caught the COVID and died (because I had to go out to buy groceries, and that would have exposed me to the virus), and would therefore be unavailable as the 'helping by-product'. And I am not catching it now because if I do, dad catches it too, along with most people in my apartment.

Do you now see how the entire Universe is my enemy now?